1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one 
will be offended if you scratch it in public.
 2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
 3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, 
and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
 4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
 5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually 
think you're cute.
 6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can 
entertain you for hours.
 7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
 8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to 
worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault. 
 9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the 
same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and 
come back.
 10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

...then, you are almost as good as your dog.

A burglar breaks into a home; its dark and he is walking around when he hears a scary voice. "Jesus is watching you!"
He stops and looks around in the dark, scared.
He walks another few feet when the voice comes again, this time louder.
"Jesus is watching you!"
By now, starting to freak out, he wonders if this is a good idea.
He walks another few feet whne suddenly the voice comes again, louder and right in front of him.
By now terrified he pulls out his torch, and in the (shaking) beam of the torch he sees a parrot ina cage.
The parrot says "Jesus is watching you!"
The burglar says " so you can talk."
The parrot replies, "Of course".
The burglar says "what's your name then?"
The parrot replies "Samson".
The burglar laughs and says to the parrot, "what sort of idiot calls a parrot Samson".
The parrot replies." The sam idiot that called the Rottweiler Jesus!"

A man walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a beer. He heard a voice behind him saying, "Hey, got any food to spare?" He looked around and saw that he was the only customer in the place. So he shook his head and cotinued to enjoy his drink. Then he heard it again, "Hey, got any food to spare?" He once again looked around and noticed a cat looking directly at him. He got all excited and yelled to the bartender, "That cat can talk! Did you hear that cat talk? That cat can talk!"

The bartender replied, "Mister, cats can't talk. Don't you know that? It's the dog over there. He's a ventriloquist."

An American soldier is riding on a crowded London train. He walks around the train trying to find a seat but no luck. He sees an English woman sitting with her poodle in the seat next to her.

The American asks: "Please miss, would you put your poodle in your lap so that I can sit down?" The English woman replies: "Young man, don't bother us, go away."

The American, trying to avoid trouble, takes another walk through the train and still can't find a seat.

He goes back to the English woman with the poodle and asks again: "Please miss, I'll even let the poodle sit in my lap, just please let me sit down." The English woman yells: "Young man, I told you to go away and don't bother us. If you don't go away right now I'll call the conductor to remove you."

By now the American was quite upset so he took one more walk around the train, couldn't find a seat, so he finally came back and threw the poodle right out of the train window.

All this time an English gentleman had been looking over his newspaper and watching the exchanges between the American soldier and the English woman.

The Englishman says: "You know, you Americans are quite strange. First you drive on the wrong side of the road, then you destroy the English language, and now you throw the wrong bitch out of the window."

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Roy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to the city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for sex.

He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny--I have the same problem."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex.

A guy walks into his vet's office with his dog in his arms and says, "Doc! You gotta help me! Something's wrong with my dog!" The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry sir, but your dog is dead." The guy begs him to PLEASE help his dog! They go back and forth like this until the doctor finally says, "Wait here." He returns a minute later with a cat. He puts the cat right up to the dog's face and nothing happens. The guy gets all teary eyed and says "I guess you're right, he is dead. What do I owe you?" The doctor says, "$350.00." The guy says, "$350.00 to tell me my dog is dead?! Why so much?!" The doctor says, "$50.00 for the exam and $300.00 for the cat scan."

LIVER AND CHEESE Thanks Beaumama

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever. "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine.

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I found this one on my fax machine, it's cute.

I'm really worried about my dog, "I dropped some coins on the floor and before I could pick them up, he ate them." The vet advised him to leave his dog at the vet overnight. The next morning, the man called to see how his dog was doing, the vet replied, "No change yet."

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Have you ever had your critter make a quick escape and play an exciting game of "catch me if you can", all the time laughing at you? I did! Harlot, my standard poodle, was stacked on a grooming table at her very first puppy match, she was looking and behaving beautifully, I should have known her weird sense of humor was sure to erupt. Like a flash she was over my shoulder, darting and dashing around me, staying just out of my reach (it took several friendly souls to help me corral her). Well, if you have ever been in a situation even remotely like that, you MUST try this link! If you haven't experienced an exciting game of "keep away" you can experience it here. Don't know who did this, but I think I would like them, he he. Please use your back button to return to this page and to continue exploring my site. HAVE FUN!!

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